Hello.... She said again
"Nneoma how are you"?
"Errr, i'm fine sir... Errm, sir, i"m sorry i couldnt make it today again.. I was caught up in...."
"Nneomaaa, are we seeing you tomorrow"?
"Yes sir, definetely..."
"Nneoma, you said "definitely" the last time and we didn't see you today.."
"I'll come tomorrow sir I promise"
"Alright. Take care.
She had wanted to cut the call, but the person on the phone seemed like he said something, she put the phone back to her ears.
"Hello sir"
"Yeah, I said where are you"??
"Sir, I'm in a friends birthday"
"Party?
"No sir, dinner sir, birthday dinner sir"
As if that made a difference..
As if that made a difference..
"Oo..kay... No problem then see you
tomorrow"...
"Okay sir bye"
The "Call end" Beep...
Wow. She thought she was going to get serious scolding from her pastor, even though she knew he was angry with her. And that she'd still get her scolding later, she was happy that it didn't come at this particular time. Wrong time to be scolded at!
Actually she almost felt relieved, almost.
If her pastor ended the call initially, and didn't ask where she was. She would have felt completely relieved knowing that at least she can still put herself out of that guilt feeling, by just being in church tomorrow.
If her pastor ended the call initially, and didn't ask where she was. She would have felt completely relieved knowing that at least she can still put herself out of that guilt feeling, by just being in church tomorrow.
nevertheless, the call wasn't entirely useless to her feelings, at least she was no longer tensed.
She took a deep sigh of relief. She was calm. There was a new determination to flush off this guilt from her system, she had the power, right in her hands, all it would take was the dawn of a new day.
She walked slowly back to the dinner. As she entered, she didn't try to look as if she was fine and all into the groove. She was too drained, and the her physical self gave up the fight.
Not like she looked noticeably depressed, but she didn't look as hyper as she was before she left.
Nobody even noticed that she was no more in that "hyper" mood.. They were all too "hyper" to notice. In other words, the party didn't stop because of her.
Few minutes later, the celebrant announced that they were moving straight to the club from there. For a little dance off.
.
The girls were excited, they were all screaming! Some of the girls came to Nneoma's ears to scream. Showing how excited they were. What you didn't know was that they all brought extra clothes for "clubbing".. So at the announcement, they started removing nylons from their bags.. They were going into the rest room to change.
How did Nneoma take the news. Guess?
Nneoma didn't utter a sound, she just plastered this wide grin on her face.. It was "plastered" because it wasn't from her heart.. In fact, looking at her you wouldn't tell if she was excited or not.
Inside her heart, she knew there was absolutely no way she'd follow them to club. NO way! Not with the determination that call brought. In fact thank God for that call.
She probably would have followed them if she didn't receive that call, of course she brought her own "change of garment" too. She would have just kept on "fitting in" "fitting in" and "Fitting in into the club"
But she doesn't feel that way now, all she wanted to do was leave that place, and go home, get ready for tomorrow, and get some sleep.
So the "plastered smile" was the perfect costume.
So the "plastered smile" was the perfect costume.
But wait, why was she trying to cover up the fact that she doesn't want to follow them to the club?
Why was she trying to look excited, or why was she playing it safe?? She still doesn't want to be seen as "inferior" or "different"...
What was WRONG WITH NNEOMA!??
Why was she trying to look excited, or why was she playing it safe?? She still doesn't want to be seen as "inferior" or "different"...
What was WRONG WITH NNEOMA!??
She felt that urge to just take her leave and tell the few who cared that she wouldn't be going to the club.
But no, the plastered smile got wider.
But no, the plastered smile got wider.
Voices in her head went:
"Stop smiling and take your leave"
"Keep smiling and wait till everybody starts to leave"
"Stop smiling and take your leave"
"Keep smiling and wait till everybody starts to leave"
"Stop smiling and take your leave"
"Keep smiling and wait till when everybody starts to leave""
"Keep smiling and wait till when everybody starts to leave""
"Stop smiling and take your leave"
"Keep smiling and wait till everybody starts to leave"
"Keep smiling and wait till everybody starts to leave"
Her Friend( the celebrant) walked up to her.
"Nneoma, won't you change?"
"Nneoma, won't you change?"
Nneoma just shrugged, like she was tired, she drew her friend's ear to her mouth, then she whispered
"Babe, house tins o"
"Ah ah, why? You are not coming with us to the club?"
"I don't think so, tomorrow is service and you understand I'm a leader in church, I already missed two meetings today I cant afford to miss service".
Her friend understood, her friend knew that Nneoma was the church type, she knew that Nneoma had responsibilities. So she wasn't surprised at all at Nneoma's decision.
"Alright then"
Nneoma checked the time, it was past 10, she could still make it to the celebrant's house.
So she followed the other voice, she kept smiling until all the other girls started to leave, she joined the mix.
Outside the venue, every other person joined the cabs going to the club...
She codedly found an empty cab, hopped in, and off they zoomed.
Outside the venue, every other person joined the cabs going to the club...
She codedly found an empty cab, hopped in, and off they zoomed.
It wasn't as if going for a friend's birthday dinner was wrong, or mingling with "off the hook" chicks,
she didn't have a curfew, she didn't have to explain her whereabouts to anybody,
she didn't have a curfew, she didn't have to explain her whereabouts to anybody,
Nneoma simply has constant friction. Friction between the physical and the spiritual, friction between the love for God and the love for the world. That kind of friction that occurs when you chose your path, the kind of friction that occurs when you've made a solid life decision, or when you're trying to get over an addiction.
Nneoma had made a decision, Nneoma had given her life to Christ 1year ago, and had decided to make God the number1 priority, since then, it has been quite a struggle between herself and herself,
A struggle between who she wants to be and who she ought to be,
The friction occurs everyday, in all her decisions, all her activities..
Nneoma was looking for a way to break out of herself completely.
A way to completely "Die to self". "Completely"
She didn't want to be spiritually mild and gentle, she wanted to be active, agile!
The friction occurs everyday, in all her decisions, all her activities..
Nneoma was looking for a way to break out of herself completely.
A way to completely "Die to self". "Completely"
She didn't want to be spiritually mild and gentle, she wanted to be active, agile!
And she knows she hasn't been doing a good job so far.
I mean, she obviously still makes her own decisions even when her spirit is telling her otherwise.
She is still worried about what people would think, how "uncool" she'd look as a "born again",
She still wants to "Fit in".
She is not letting go.
I mean, she obviously still makes her own decisions even when her spirit is telling her otherwise.
She is still worried about what people would think, how "uncool" she'd look as a "born again",
She still wants to "Fit in".
She is not letting go.
Being in a birthday dinner wasn't wrong, Missing church leadership meeting and choir practice for a birthday wasn't right either,
Staying in a coozy atmosphere with "off the hook Chicks" wasn't wrong, Pretending to be what she was not, (The alcohol stunt) wasn't right either...
Gisting and having fun with her friends wasn't wrong, not inviting one of them to her church when her spirit told her to wasn't right either...
A lot of things doesn't seem wrong, But Nneoma knew she wouldn't make progress if she didn't stretch beyond the norm.
Nneoma has tried, she keeps trying, she was getting tired of trying.
She ends up feeling like a failure, like a disappointment to God, after each try.
She ends up feeling like a failure, like a disappointment to God, after each try.
As she lay on the bed that night, thinking about her commitment to God and the progress she has made so far, She started regretting. Why did she leave church for the party? What was her gain?
She tossed and turned round the bed,
She searched for her earphone, plugged into her phone and played Kim walker's "All I need is you"
That was her reconciliation song.
She tossed and turned round the bed,
She searched for her earphone, plugged into her phone and played Kim walker's "All I need is you"
That was her reconciliation song.
She didn't sing out but her tears found a way out.
She needs to step up her game.
She's not moving. She's not letting go..
She's not moving. She's not letting go..
In between her Thoughts, something just struck her.
A message from her pastor. "You Cant save yourself, only God can save you"...
A message from her pastor. "You Cant save yourself, only God can save you"...
She remembered the scripture " not by might, nor by power, but my spirit says the lord".... She couldn't recall the exact verse and chapter but she knew it was in the book of Zechariah. So she quickly checked her phone, It was Zechariah 4v6
Wow!
It was like a renovation going on in her head.
She suddenly realized she has not been letting "The spirit" change her.
She has been trying to change herself, by herself, by her power, by her might.
She has been trying to do all the work.
She has been getting it all wrong.
She hasn't been working with the holy spirit. She has been working alone.
What she has been craving is "spiritual change" and not some physical change that requires some dieting and workouts.
It was like a renovation going on in her head.
She suddenly realized she has not been letting "The spirit" change her.
She has been trying to change herself, by herself, by her power, by her might.
She has been trying to do all the work.
She has been getting it all wrong.
She hasn't been working with the holy spirit. She has been working alone.
What she has been craving is "spiritual change" and not some physical change that requires some dieting and workouts.
This new path of thoughts brought peace to her, she suddenly felt relaxed, "super relaxed" like bags of sand had just been lifted off her chest.
She prayed a new prayer.
"God take over"
Dear Lord, I cant do it alone, This is a huge task and my flesh is too weak to carry it out alone, I need your spirit to help me. I'm tired of trying!
As she prayed, the peace she had increased, it was like magic...
That feeling of condemnation she had been feeling some few minutes was gone.... It "vanished"
Her mind stopped racing.
She felt new.
She felt strong.
These feelings were real.
It was the total opposite of what she felt before.
That feeling of condemnation she had been feeling some few minutes was gone.... It "vanished"
Her mind stopped racing.
She felt new.
She felt strong.
These feelings were real.
It was the total opposite of what she felt before.
By the time she concluded her prayer, her mind was completely Still!. "He leads me beside the still waters" kind of still.
She heaved the 99th sigh of relief...
Sleep took the wheels.
Sleep took the wheels.
2hours later. Which seemed to her like 15minutes later, her alarm woke her up. Despite the fact that her night was short, she felt very refreshed!
She prepared for service happily, in the midst of her preparations, the events of last night flashed through her thoughts, she shook her head and smiled..
"Stupid girl like me" she muttered.
"Stupid girl like me" she muttered.
And off she went to church.
She was going to tell her pastor everything.
She knew this was the change she has been craving.
It had happened "within her"
She was free.
She was going to tell her pastor everything.
She knew this was the change she has been craving.
It had happened "within her"
She was free.
****************The End****************
"If you"re not a doctor, you cant operate on yourself, (Even doctors dont operate on themselves) if you"re not the holy spirit, you cant transform yourself...."
"Alexandra okalla" ( 2015)
"Alexandra okalla" ( 2015)
